After this Sunday's service I had a follow up question on one point in the message. How can parents be, as I stated, consistent with all their children?
We have two children of our own, now grown. I believe that fact, along with over 20 years of pastoring, gives me some insight if only because of the total number of mistakes we've made and witnessed.
It is my belief that parents focus too much on the "what" instead of the "why." That's what kids do. They only see candy, WHAT they want. They don't see the reason WHY it's a bad idea at 9pm.
How it often happens is parents unwittingly fall into the argument with their kids of WHAT should be allowed, WHAT the possibilities are, and WHAT other kids (both friends and siblings) have either been given or been allowed to do. You know, "But Johnny's mom let's him jump off a cliff!"
Our job as parents is not to have the discussion our kids want to have! You are not required to discuss WHAT they want to discuss. Rather they, as children, should respect you and listen to WHY you made a decision and hopefully learn a little more about life. The real difference is often in the end goals. The child wants to win, so they want to talk about the unfairness, the inequity, the mistakes their parents are making, etc. The goal of a parent is not to win an argument with a child, of any age. A parent's goal is to take advantage of every single, possible teaching moment to help their child learn a little more about life!
So if there is a discussion, we must keep it focused on what kids need. And what kids need is to understand why so they can learn to make wise decisions on their own. Our goal is to help our kids grow up, mature, and be able to make good choices. They won't do that with a list of WHAT. They must understand the WHY.
If you have more than one child, then like us and every other multi-child family in the world you know that each child is different. So how can you be a consistent parent with different children? You will never do it if you focus on the WHAT because it is impossible to give each child the exact same thing. But you can do it if you focus on the WHY.
For example, if one of your children is diabetic and another is lactose intolerant, there will be different dietary rules for each of them. WHAT they eat will be different but WHY is the same: you love them both and want them to be healthy. It should really be that simple, if you don't allow yourself to get distracted by their arguments over WHAT.
A more exaggerated example: if you catch your 14 yr old watching porn and your 16 yr old with a can of beer, they both need some new rules or discipline. WHAT the rules are will be different, even where they are applied, such as in a bedroom or when they are out with friends. But WHY is the same, i.e. safety, health, etc. And if your 12yr old is sneaking unhealthy, unapproved late night snacks, then new rules or discipline applies here, too. But the WHAT is very different for one who is breaking the law, one who is dabbling with a lifetime addiction and one who is doing something a little unhealthy. And you can mark it down, one child is going to come to you whining something like, "But my brother is allowed a computer in his bedroom!" And your response should be something like, "Yes, and WHY is that?" Because this isn't about WHAT, a computer, it's about WHY, safety, health, etc.
Sometimes it isn't what your children are doing wrong but what they choose in life. One child wants to be a mechanic, the other a musician. And you'll get something like, "Why can't I have a guitar? You bought Johnny a guitar." Don't argue, because it's true, you do buy different gifts for your children. When this happens (not if, but when, because this is going to happen) I'd say something like, "Yes, and we bought you a rolling mechanic's cabinet full of SAE and metric tools worth twice as much as his guitar. But if you had rather have the guitar then you're welcome to pawn your tools and buy one." The unspoken truth here is, "the reason you didn't get a guitar is because of your own wishes, you want to be a mechanic." Calmly stay focused on why instead of what.
Sounds simple, doesn't it? And once you get the hang of it and your kids get the message, it is. You just have to stay focused.
One more thing about rules, guidelines, discipline and/or punishment. These can all be labels for the exact same thing in different families. But notice, some of those labels are positive and encourage specific behavior while others are negative and draw attention to mistakes. Your children will probably whine and moan no matter which term you use. But they will take their cues from you for how they view rules or discipline. Do you address it as retaliation for their rebellion, in other words WHAT they did? Or do you address the WHY we choose to be disciplined, do the right thing, etc?
Over and over, again and again, your kids will use the strategy of distraction to keep you from focusing on why by throwing the inequities of your decisions in your face: one child has easier chores, better toys, a nicer car, more shoes, a later curfew, more freedom, etc. And it is our job to constantly keep attention, our own and hopefully theirs eventually, on the reasons we choose what we choose, say what we say and do what we do.
We have two children of our own, now grown. I believe that fact, along with over 20 years of pastoring, gives me some insight if only because of the total number of mistakes we've made and witnessed.
It is my belief that parents focus too much on the "what" instead of the "why." That's what kids do. They only see candy, WHAT they want. They don't see the reason WHY it's a bad idea at 9pm.
How it often happens is parents unwittingly fall into the argument with their kids of WHAT should be allowed, WHAT the possibilities are, and WHAT other kids (both friends and siblings) have either been given or been allowed to do. You know, "But Johnny's mom let's him jump off a cliff!"
Our job as parents is not to have the discussion our kids want to have! You are not required to discuss WHAT they want to discuss. Rather they, as children, should respect you and listen to WHY you made a decision and hopefully learn a little more about life. The real difference is often in the end goals. The child wants to win, so they want to talk about the unfairness, the inequity, the mistakes their parents are making, etc. The goal of a parent is not to win an argument with a child, of any age. A parent's goal is to take advantage of every single, possible teaching moment to help their child learn a little more about life!
So if there is a discussion, we must keep it focused on what kids need. And what kids need is to understand why so they can learn to make wise decisions on their own. Our goal is to help our kids grow up, mature, and be able to make good choices. They won't do that with a list of WHAT. They must understand the WHY.
If you have more than one child, then like us and every other multi-child family in the world you know that each child is different. So how can you be a consistent parent with different children? You will never do it if you focus on the WHAT because it is impossible to give each child the exact same thing. But you can do it if you focus on the WHY.
For example, if one of your children is diabetic and another is lactose intolerant, there will be different dietary rules for each of them. WHAT they eat will be different but WHY is the same: you love them both and want them to be healthy. It should really be that simple, if you don't allow yourself to get distracted by their arguments over WHAT.
A more exaggerated example: if you catch your 14 yr old watching porn and your 16 yr old with a can of beer, they both need some new rules or discipline. WHAT the rules are will be different, even where they are applied, such as in a bedroom or when they are out with friends. But WHY is the same, i.e. safety, health, etc. And if your 12yr old is sneaking unhealthy, unapproved late night snacks, then new rules or discipline applies here, too. But the WHAT is very different for one who is breaking the law, one who is dabbling with a lifetime addiction and one who is doing something a little unhealthy. And you can mark it down, one child is going to come to you whining something like, "But my brother is allowed a computer in his bedroom!" And your response should be something like, "Yes, and WHY is that?" Because this isn't about WHAT, a computer, it's about WHY, safety, health, etc.
Sometimes it isn't what your children are doing wrong but what they choose in life. One child wants to be a mechanic, the other a musician. And you'll get something like, "Why can't I have a guitar? You bought Johnny a guitar." Don't argue, because it's true, you do buy different gifts for your children. When this happens (not if, but when, because this is going to happen) I'd say something like, "Yes, and we bought you a rolling mechanic's cabinet full of SAE and metric tools worth twice as much as his guitar. But if you had rather have the guitar then you're welcome to pawn your tools and buy one." The unspoken truth here is, "the reason you didn't get a guitar is because of your own wishes, you want to be a mechanic." Calmly stay focused on why instead of what.
Sounds simple, doesn't it? And once you get the hang of it and your kids get the message, it is. You just have to stay focused.
One more thing about rules, guidelines, discipline and/or punishment. These can all be labels for the exact same thing in different families. But notice, some of those labels are positive and encourage specific behavior while others are negative and draw attention to mistakes. Your children will probably whine and moan no matter which term you use. But they will take their cues from you for how they view rules or discipline. Do you address it as retaliation for their rebellion, in other words WHAT they did? Or do you address the WHY we choose to be disciplined, do the right thing, etc?
Over and over, again and again, your kids will use the strategy of distraction to keep you from focusing on why by throwing the inequities of your decisions in your face: one child has easier chores, better toys, a nicer car, more shoes, a later curfew, more freedom, etc. And it is our job to constantly keep attention, our own and hopefully theirs eventually, on the reasons we choose what we choose, say what we say and do what we do.
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